up at 5:30 AM? YAY!!
Jul. 30th, 2011 05:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ametrynmy sleep schedule is waaaaaaaaaay off these days, and has been for about 2 weeks. i go to bed at my normal time, and am awake by 5 or 6 AM, giving me about 4 hours of sleep. then i'm zonked in the middle of the day and take a long nap. i wonder if this is normal. i know my dad took sleeping pills for this exact same sleep disorder.
whenever i have problems or qualities like my dad did, i'm worried i'll die like he did. night before last, i couldn't get dying off my mind. i am terrified of it. and i mean T E R R I F I E D.
i can remember in my 20's wrestling with the same fear and thinking, "i'm young; i have 80 years in front of me so it's ok." but i'm nearly 55, and it doesn't seem so ok anymore. like i need to come to terms with it.
as much as dying, i also worry about aging and watching my body fall to pieces.
georgia says that my mom's parkinson's disease is really obvious at this point. jim has alzheimer's. on the home front, daisy is ??? well, she's 18 and extremely frail. she probably weighs 2 pounds. she has scabby places on her skin and her eyes are cloudy. her heart goes too fast, and it's not hypothyroidism (we checked) so she has a heart problem. lately, she can't figure out where to tinkle, and goes to the area around the cat box and does it anywhere in the general vicinity. i am so sick of cleaning up cat pee i could scream, but more to the point, it is painful watching that decline. there is nothing hippified inside of me that can embrace this as part of the life cycle. sorry, no.
my hair is too pink.
my body is too fat.
and i have to get on a plane soon.
AAHAHAAA HA HAAAAA!!!
have a great day!
:P
whenever i have problems or qualities like my dad did, i'm worried i'll die like he did. night before last, i couldn't get dying off my mind. i am terrified of it. and i mean T E R R I F I E D.
i can remember in my 20's wrestling with the same fear and thinking, "i'm young; i have 80 years in front of me so it's ok." but i'm nearly 55, and it doesn't seem so ok anymore. like i need to come to terms with it.
as much as dying, i also worry about aging and watching my body fall to pieces.
georgia says that my mom's parkinson's disease is really obvious at this point. jim has alzheimer's. on the home front, daisy is ??? well, she's 18 and extremely frail. she probably weighs 2 pounds. she has scabby places on her skin and her eyes are cloudy. her heart goes too fast, and it's not hypothyroidism (we checked) so she has a heart problem. lately, she can't figure out where to tinkle, and goes to the area around the cat box and does it anywhere in the general vicinity. i am so sick of cleaning up cat pee i could scream, but more to the point, it is painful watching that decline. there is nothing hippified inside of me that can embrace this as part of the life cycle. sorry, no.
my hair is too pink.
my body is too fat.
and i have to get on a plane soon.
AAHAHAAA HA HAAAAA!!!
have a great day!
:P
no subject
Date: 2011-07-30 03:54 pm (UTC)eh.
have a good trip <3
also, why is everythiing in italics?
eh.
no subject
Date: 2011-07-30 03:54 pm (UTC)alright, then.
no subject
Date: 2011-07-30 04:01 pm (UTC)oh weird. it is in italics in my typing box, too. i don't remember it being like that last time.
it is staggeringly painful to watch; i totally agree.
i'm worried about the trip, but you know i'll be ok. on friday i'm driving up to see pearl fryar, so really i will only have, like 5 days to deal with my brother. FIVE DAYS??? EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!
no subject
Date: 2011-07-30 04:08 pm (UTC)or something like that :P
xoxoxoxo!
no subject
Date: 2011-07-30 04:11 pm (UTC)i think, shell, that this is my life. and i should spend it like i WANT to for my own sanity and health. and it is ok for me to leave if he gets going. i don't have to be there for it.
anyhow
xoxoxox2u2, woman!
no subject
Date: 2011-07-30 05:11 pm (UTC)Anyway, I totally understand both problems--I have inherited my mom's no-need-to-sleep gene, and either stay up until hours like 3, or else wind up waking up at 4. I've found a few sleep meds that help, but any of them wears out after a while.
And I really fear having some of the hard deaths I've seen in my family. I've decided to pretend that I have the live to ninety and die of a quick stroke that some of the old women had---no reason to think I'll be that lucky, but it's as good a chance as the other possibilities. For me, it's not death that scares me so much as dying in unpleasant ways.
Bless you for taking care of and loving the old and frail--it's very hard to face it so directly, but people and animals are so lucky that you're willing to do it, however miserable it makes you.
But pink hair--what a great way to live!
no subject
Date: 2011-07-30 05:23 pm (UTC)over the years i've tried to keep my sleep schedule to 2 AM - 10 AM. it is a compromise between being a 100% night owl and being able to function in the day time when everything happens &/or is open. if i caught your no-need-to-sleep gene, then even if i die early, at least i will have had that much extra awake time. LOL!! :) As for the meds, i tend to stay away from them unless absolutely necessary because i'm in AA, and am still careful about not tripping any triggers.
my "pretend" age is 103. and you know what? I WILL MAKE IT!! and i'm scared of both: dying painfully and dying at all.
i love the old and frail. :)
my old sponsor, eliot, never lost her sass even if her body shut down.
WHEEEEEEE!!! PINK HAIR! i look like a CLOWNNNNNNNNN!!
no subject
Date: 2011-07-30 05:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-07-30 05:36 pm (UTC)i'm going to south carolina to visit my mommy for her 80th birthday!