ametryn: (Default)
and i'm standing there in a gabardine suit, wondering wtf? and wtf with the briefcase, LOL!! when i don't even carry a purse? but most particularly, why am i holding what appears to be a cocktail? i put my nose down to the rim of the glass and take a sniff, but all i can tell is that it isn't gin. i put the glass down on a coaster and approach the woman who appears to be hosting this cocktail party.

i don't know what to say to her. i have no clue who she is...she is simultaneously thin & voluptuous (how does she do that?) her hair is pulled back all slick-like, and she's wearing a peg-dress that looks like this:

+ red lipstick and nail polish standing out against very white skin
+ cigarette holder
+ attitude
= ok, you win...

she clearly recognizes me from across the room. "oh ellen!! how fabulous to see you here! but don't you know? this is a COSTUME party, dear...where is your costume?"

and suddenly it's night time, and i'm standing, barefoot, outside in the mud in a drop-waist tulle dress. i can hear the cicadas & a crazy-croaking symphony of frogs in the marsh. i am worried about my costume...i MUST make one. yes, costume is at the top of the "to-do" list. and i begin collecting saw palmetto leaves, which have fallen to the ground...i tear them into pointed fronds and weave them into the tulle...i plaster them into place with mud and moss. it feels good.

i walk in my dress out to the night, i place my hands into the stream flowing, always flowing, and sink them into the mud all the way up to my wrists. and i can feel the wriggling presence of all the little things...i feel fish and salt and the phosphorescent mysteries of deep ocean. i feel the sun on my back at midnight. i feel rocks under my galloping hooves and my mother's teeth in the scruff of my neck.

i pull my hands from the river mud, and let them rinse in the running stream-water. and so watered, my hair begins to grow like vines, and i realize that everything on me and in me and around me is earth.
ametryn: (Default)

$25.00 to take a suitcase on a flight. that's $50, both ways. what a rip off!
ametryn: (Default)
my sleep schedule is waaaaaaaaaay off these days, and has been for about 2 weeks. i go to bed at my normal time, and am awake by 5 or 6 AM, giving me about 4 hours of sleep. then i'm zonked in the middle of the day and take a long nap. i wonder if this is normal. i know my dad took sleeping pills for this exact same sleep disorder.

whenever i have problems or qualities like my dad did, i'm worried i'll die like he did. night before last, i couldn't get dying off my mind. i am terrified of it. and i mean T E R R I F I E D.
i can remember in my 20's wrestling with the same fear and thinking, "i'm young; i have 80 years in front of me so it's ok." but i'm nearly 55, and it doesn't seem so ok anymore. like i need to come to terms with it.

as much as dying, i also worry about aging and watching my body fall to pieces.

georgia says that my mom's parkinson's disease is really obvious at this point. jim has alzheimer's. on the home front, daisy is ??? well, she's 18 and extremely frail. she probably weighs 2 pounds. she has scabby places on her skin and her eyes are cloudy. her heart goes too fast, and it's not hypothyroidism (we checked) so she has a heart problem. lately, she can't figure out where to tinkle, and goes to the area around the cat box and does it anywhere in the general vicinity. i am so sick of cleaning up cat pee i could scream, but more to the point, it is painful watching that decline. there is nothing hippified inside of me that can embrace this as part of the life cycle. sorry, no.

my hair is too pink.

my body is too fat.

and i have to get on a plane soon.

have a great day!


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August 2011

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