ametryn: (Default)
[personal profile] ametryn
my sleep schedule is waaaaaaaaaay off these days, and has been for about 2 weeks. i go to bed at my normal time, and am awake by 5 or 6 AM, giving me about 4 hours of sleep. then i'm zonked in the middle of the day and take a long nap. i wonder if this is normal. i know my dad took sleeping pills for this exact same sleep disorder.

whenever i have problems or qualities like my dad did, i'm worried i'll die like he did. night before last, i couldn't get dying off my mind. i am terrified of it. and i mean T E R R I F I E D.
i can remember in my 20's wrestling with the same fear and thinking, "i'm young; i have 80 years in front of me so it's ok." but i'm nearly 55, and it doesn't seem so ok anymore. like i need to come to terms with it.

as much as dying, i also worry about aging and watching my body fall to pieces.

georgia says that my mom's parkinson's disease is really obvious at this point. jim has alzheimer's. on the home front, daisy is ??? well, she's 18 and extremely frail. she probably weighs 2 pounds. she has scabby places on her skin and her eyes are cloudy. her heart goes too fast, and it's not hypothyroidism (we checked) so she has a heart problem. lately, she can't figure out where to tinkle, and goes to the area around the cat box and does it anywhere in the general vicinity. i am so sick of cleaning up cat pee i could scream, but more to the point, it is painful watching that decline. there is nothing hippified inside of me that can embrace this as part of the life cycle. sorry, no.

my hair is too pink.

my body is too fat.

and i have to get on a plane soon.

AAHAHAAA HA HAAAAA!!!
have a great day!
:P
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ametryn

August 2011

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