ametryn: (Default)
[personal profile] ametryn
my sleep schedule is waaaaaaaaaay off these days, and has been for about 2 weeks. i go to bed at my normal time, and am awake by 5 or 6 AM, giving me about 4 hours of sleep. then i'm zonked in the middle of the day and take a long nap. i wonder if this is normal. i know my dad took sleeping pills for this exact same sleep disorder.

whenever i have problems or qualities like my dad did, i'm worried i'll die like he did. night before last, i couldn't get dying off my mind. i am terrified of it. and i mean T E R R I F I E D.
i can remember in my 20's wrestling with the same fear and thinking, "i'm young; i have 80 years in front of me so it's ok." but i'm nearly 55, and it doesn't seem so ok anymore. like i need to come to terms with it.

as much as dying, i also worry about aging and watching my body fall to pieces.

georgia says that my mom's parkinson's disease is really obvious at this point. jim has alzheimer's. on the home front, daisy is ??? well, she's 18 and extremely frail. she probably weighs 2 pounds. she has scabby places on her skin and her eyes are cloudy. her heart goes too fast, and it's not hypothyroidism (we checked) so she has a heart problem. lately, she can't figure out where to tinkle, and goes to the area around the cat box and does it anywhere in the general vicinity. i am so sick of cleaning up cat pee i could scream, but more to the point, it is painful watching that decline. there is nothing hippified inside of me that can embrace this as part of the life cycle. sorry, no.

my hair is too pink.

my body is too fat.

and i have to get on a plane soon.

have a great day!

Date: 2011-07-30 03:54 pm (UTC)
a_muse_d: (Default)
From: [personal profile] a_muse_d
the decline is most painful to watch. some sort of cosmic joke trade-off for the privilege of having a life to live?


have a good trip <3

also, why is everythiing in italics?


Date: 2011-07-30 03:54 pm (UTC)
a_muse_d: (omgwtf)
From: [personal profile] a_muse_d
oh, it's only while typing in the box.

alright, then.

Date: 2011-07-30 04:08 pm (UTC)
a_muse_d: (omfg)
From: [personal profile] a_muse_d
try not to lose yourself in dealing with your brother. remember who you are. :)

or something like that :P


Date: 2011-07-30 05:11 pm (UTC)
mamculuna: (Default)
From: [personal profile] mamculuna
Don't know why this is italic! Don't know how to change it!

Anyway, I totally understand both problems--I have inherited my mom's no-need-to-sleep gene, and either stay up until hours like 3, or else wind up waking up at 4. I've found a few sleep meds that help, but any of them wears out after a while.

And I really fear having some of the hard deaths I've seen in my family. I've decided to pretend that I have the live to ninety and die of a quick stroke that some of the old women had---no reason to think I'll be that lucky, but it's as good a chance as the other possibilities. For me, it's not death that scares me so much as dying in unpleasant ways.

Bless you for taking care of and loving the old and frail--it's very hard to face it so directly, but people and animals are so lucky that you're willing to do it, however miserable it makes you.

But pink hair--what a great way to live!

Date: 2011-07-30 05:26 pm (UTC)
cobaltika: (Default)
From: [personal profile] cobaltika
i hope you have a great trip, wherever you are going! that even if there if familystuff to deal with, you will have some fun and goodtimes, too. pink hair is a great way to go. i wish i were so brave. i keep thinking i have to look straight so i can get another effing office job and pay rent so i can have a home again. ugh. i really just want to grow my hair long again and wear braids to my waist and collect my unemployment and make art. oh well.


ametryn: (Default)

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